Пропущено "I".

В этих двух местах не нада "are" вместо "is"?

the crew

locked

self-drowning

Может имелось ввиду sickhead?

неправильный глагол sank

Тот же глагол

dumber

Добавлено (28.05.2010, 22:16)
---------------------------------------------
Перезалил.

Не исправил self-drowning

Добавлено (28.05.2010, 22:40)
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Родилось предложение слово ration (паёк) везде выделять болдом или цветом, как проходящее красной нитью через полотно повествования.

Добавлено (28.05.2010, 22:54)
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Исчо раз всё вместе.

2027. USS Jimmy Carter. Seasomewhere.

JF: Que-e-eg! Where's my aussie-dry-rabbit-meat ration?!?
Q: I put it in a sealed box in armory. I identified it like a bio-weapon.
JF: Yeah, like you know something 'bout food, coltanhead.
Q: Call me coltanhead once more and I will crash yours against this very boat. Everyone is enlisted!

Armory.

S: He-elow, Jes-s-sie… I Know you. You fight like Bengal tiger - sloppysome but without those stupid tricks like committing suicide and taking a leak simultaneously (gosh, I love this word) or marrying a terminator. You're an ordinary soldier but soon enough you will discover that it's not humanity you're fighting for. Right now, I want you to play a simple game: here are two boxes, death is waiting in one and your precious lunch is in the other. Eat or Die. It's for you to choose.

JF: Ha! Easy! Goodnow, open this one!
D: WTF!?!
JF: She'll not be apples. And seems, I'm not getting any rabbit today either.
D: Who give a shit 'bout your ration?!? This… Thing. What is it?
JF: Who give a shit 'bout this… Thing. My ration matters!
D: Your ration is no more! Eaten by me and the rest of the crew!
JF: What!?
D: You heard me.

JF: Hey, Queeg!
Q: Yes?
JF: Dietze is hanging around and talking with everybody about how coltanheaded are you.
Q: You're lying.
JF: Why should I?!

Q: If you don't what to end like him - do not call me a coltanhead.

Q: Thank you for your cooperation.
JF: You're welcome. Do we have any more rations on this boat?
Q: We do. But it's locked in storage and only I have a key.
JF: So give it to me.
Q: Can't. This is for Serrano Point.

JF: He activated slef-drowning system!

JF: Abandon the ship!
Q: It wasn't me!
JF: Maybe on next boot you will think twice before hiding someone else's rations. Coltanhead!
Q: Bitch.

JC: How you managed to loose my BOAT!?!
JF: Your sickhead metal sank it!
JC: Well. Fischer, get me those crunchy cheese things and make it quick!
F: Yes, Master!
JC: And you, Ginger, dash to the past for some beer while we dealing here… What did you say? My metal sank it?

JF: Alright, pretty boy. I need my aussie-dry-rabbit-meat ration and you know where to get one!

JC: Hey baby! I don't know what your talking about.
JF: Lying SOB!

G: AAAAA!

Same day. Later.

JF: How old are you?
WC: Eighteen.
JF: Marvelous! Come with me if you wanna eat! What's your name?
WC: Lindsay.
JF: Nah… Doesn't fit. Need something dumber... Riley will do.
WC: Whatever.

Past.

JF: Fischer, Fischer… Yo know, you just can't avoid me.
F: You killed Connor for a ration! You're sic, you know?!
JF: And you the only one left who knows about this. But you're dead already.
F: Killing me want mean a thing.
JF: I will be one step closer to my ration.
F: How's that?
JF: I've bring back a girl with me. She will play Young Connor to make a huge deposit of rations for the Future War. But enough blabbing.

Same day. Later.

R: Jesse, I've a bad news.
JF: Like you've over eat and now you're sick?
R: Not exactly like that, no. John figured me out and sent his pet-cyborg to kill me.
JF: This means "say goodbye" to my ration. No carrots and apples for you either.
JF: Shit happens. So, this cowgirl said Connor now everything. That means I'm figured too. Skedaddle time.

An hour. Parking lot.

D: Seems to me, you're not "my" Jesse.
JF: Derek, what are you talking about?
D: About ration.
JF: This is not what you're thinking about.
D: You've killed future Connor, you've killed Fischer, you've shot poor Ginger who bloody-messed our basement, you've even killed jew mobster, how supplied us with money. You're damn traitor.
JF: No, don't kill me. Remember how good we've felt together.
JF: Just let me go.

JF: Damn right! I'm not "your" Jesse!

DAS END

Всё меняется, когда приходят они

Добавлено (28.05.2010, 22:55)
---------------------------------------------
Proof read please!

Здесь перевод вроде сомнительный получился. Мне больше вот такой вариант нравится:

JF: Fischer, Fischer… You didn't think you could sneak off me, didn't you?

sick

And you are the only one

Я так понимаю, вместо want хотел написать won't ?

I've brought

this cowgirl said Connor knows everything.

who вместо how

Что значит Seasomewhere? Это какое-то новое немецкое слово?

I identified it as a bio-weapon.

Слово sloppysome не идентифицировано. Это что имелось ввиду?

Вроде порешали, что будет make your choice

МОжет вот так будет звучать лучше:

Dietze is hanging around and telling everybody how coltanheaded you are.

Как минимум это короче, что уже хорошо Ну и ошибка в конце, нада you are вместо are you.

self

2027. USS Jimmy Carter. Seasomewhere.

JF: Que-e-eg! Where's my aussie-dry-rabbit-meat ration?!?
Q: I put it in a sealed box in armory. I identified it as a bio-weapon.
JF: Yeah, like you know something 'bout food, coltanhead.
Q: Call me coltanhead once more and I will crash yours against this very boat. Everyone is enlisted!

Armory.

S: He-elow, Jes-s-sie… I Know you. You fight like Bengal tiger - sloppysome but without those stupid tricks like committing suicide and taking a leak simultaneously (gosh, I love this word) or marrying a terminator. You're an ordinary soldier but soon enough you will discover that it's not humanity you're fighting for. Right now, I want you to play a simple game: here are two boxes, death is waiting in one and your precious lunch is in the other. Eat or Die. Make your choice.

JF: Ha! Easy! Goodnow, open this one!
D: WTF!?!
JF: She'll not be apples. And seems, I'm not getting any rabbit today either.
D: Who give a shit 'bout your ration?!? This… Thing. What is it?
JF: Who give a shit 'bout this… Thing. My ration matters!
D: Your ration is no more! Eaten by me and the rest of the crew!
JF: What!?
D: You heard me.

JF: Hey, Queeg!
Q: Yes?
JF: Dietze is hanging around and telling everybody how coltanheaded you are.
Q: You're lying.
JF: Why should I?!

Q: If you don't what to end like he - do not call me a coltanhead.

Q: Thank you for your cooperation.
JF: You're welcome. Do we have any more rations on this boat?
Q: We do. But it's locked in storage and only I have a key.
JF: So give it to me.
Q: Can't. This is for Serrano Point.

JF: He activated self-drowning system!

JF: Abandon the ship!
Q: It wasn't me!
JF: Maybe on next boot you will think twice before hiding someone else's rations. Coltanhead!
Q: Bitch.

JC: How you managed to loose my BOAT!?!
JF: Your sickhead metal sank it!
JC: Well. Fischer, get me those crunchy cheese things and make it quick!
F: Yes, Master!
JC: And you, Ginger, dash to the past for some beer while we dealing here… What did you say? My metal sank it?

JF: Alright, pretty boy. I need my aussie-dry-rabbit-meat ration and you know where to get one!

JC: Hey baby! I don't know what your talking about.
JF: Lying SOB!

G: AAAAA!

Same day. Later.

JF: How old are you?
WC: Eighteen.
JF: Marvelous! Come with me if you wanna eat! What's your name?
WC: Lindsay.
JF: Nah… Doesn't fit. Need something dumber... Riley will do.
WC: Whatever.

Past.

JF: Fischer, Fischer… Yo know, you just can't avoid me.
F: You killed Connor for a ration! You're sick, you know?!
JF: And you're the only one left who knows about this. But you're dead already.
F: Killing me wan't mean a thing.
JF: I will be one step closer to my ration.
F: How's that?
JF: I've brought back a girl with me. She will play Young Connor to make a huge deposit of rations for the Future War. But enough blabbing.

Same day. Later.

R: Jesse, I've a bad news.
JF: Like you've over eat and now you're sick?
R: Not exactly like that, no. John figured me out and sent his pet-cyborg to kill me.
JF: This means "say goodbye" to my ration. No carrots and apples for you either.
JF: Shit happens. So, this cowgirl said Connor knows everything. That means I'm figured too. Skedaddle time.

An hour. Parking lot.

D: Seems to me, you're not "my" Jesse.
JF: Derek, what are you talking about?
D: About ration.
JF: This is not what you're thinking about.
D: You've killed future Connor, you've killed Fischer, you've shot poor Ginger who bloody-messed our basement, you've even killed jew mobster, who supplied us with money. You're damn traitor.
JF: No, don't kill me. Remember how good we've felt together.
JF: Just let me go.

JF: Damn right! I'm not "your" Jesse!

-------------------------------

seasomewhere и sloppysome - таки да, собственное небрежное отношение к вражескому языку, тем не меннее, не влияющее на понятность (по-моему).
LightM555, ем снятую шляпу без соли. Моя учительница по английскому не справилась бы лучше.
Университетское образование? Недавно? Я английский в школе только учил и было это 20 лет назад. Уже тогда, кстати, не дружил с грамматикой. А правильнописание у меня всегда было "хорошим, но хромым" (© Винни-пух)

В целом то как? Удалось сохранить хоть каплю s1nodского юмора?